Have you ever had any experience where you took an effort and prepared something for someone dear to you, thinking this will hit them like anything and they will be overjoyed, only for this person to give a not so enthusiastic response to it? Or an instance where you feel like you are trying to connect with this person, but you feel like this person is just not resonating with your efforts – you can still feel that something is missing. Or you could also have felt that way. 

Does it feel like they are not receiving the love you want to convey in the way you expected or that you are not getting it from them? So what’s happening here?

This is where you have got to work on your language – yes, your love language. 

So what exactly is this love language?

Love language is a theory introduced by Gary Chapman, in 1992. He observed through his work as a counsellor, that partners were not feeling loved even when their significant others believed that they were doing everything right from their side. He noticed that there were patterns to what partners wanted from their significant others. Thus emerged the concept of love languages.

Words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, quality time, acts of service. 

It is true that all of us are recipients towards all these forms of love language.  But what Gary also observed was that even amongst the five, there is one that resonates deeply with each of us – which is one’s primary love language. Everyone receives and expresses love in unique ways – which is limited to any of the five languages of love. It is so that the partners did take efforts and put in credible contributions towards expressing their love and connecting with their loved ones, but it was observed that they were not doing so in a manner that was more meaningful to their significant other. So this missed the mark and the loved one couldn’t understand or receive the love in a way that mattered to them.

Thus it is important to understand and recognize what your and your partner’s love language is. In the beginning of a committed relationship, we do put in effort, to connect, convey our appreciation, likes, love, and efforts on communication, to spend time with each other, to know more about each other. But as time goes by and as the relationship progresses, there is a chance that the fire, the vibrancy, the energy frizzles away. During those times, it’s important to check in with oneself and each other to evaluate areas of lacking. Love language can thus be used as a guiding principle, to give direction to your efforts to celebrate your love for each other. 

Now, some can like and appreciate all the five languages. Some may prefer only certain ones, some like other combinations, some may even hate some of the given languages of love. It is up to you and your partner to try and find out each other’s love languages, and what you appreciate and don’t. 

Let’s explore each of these languages…..

Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation is the love language, where  you feel loved and appreciated only through words that are encouraging, supportive, affectionate or cheerleading. The essential fact is that if you have a partner whose love language is words of affirmation, you have to genuinely and authentically express your love for them through words of affirmation. You feel the most loved when your loved ones say I love you or often appreciate and encourage you. You love hearing from your loved one through the day, through verbal or text messages of words of affirmation. 

For instance – “I love you”, “I am grateful for you”, “I feel so lucky to have you in my life”, “I admire you”, “you are my sunshine”.

Physical touch        

The next love language is physical touch, which consists of consensual, appropriate physical contact – hugs, hand holding, cuddles, kisses, sexual contact as well. Here you feel loved, appreciated and cherished through physical touches. People whose love language is physical touch, expressing and receiving physical touch is important and touch is the way through which they feel loved and connected to their loved ones. You feel the love when your partner engages in public display of love – when they randomly touch, hold you. 

For instance – Kissing them goodbye, spending extra time cuddling, prioritizing sex, comforting them through hands on shoulders or touch, being generous with your affection, rubbing feet, giving a massage.

Quality time

With quality time as one’s love language, one feels the most connected and loved in a relationship when they spend quality time with their partner. They look for a partner who appreciates spending time with them. They feel the most loved and appreciated when people they care about make time for them and give them all the attention and care. When quality time is lacking, you feel disconnected with your significant other, you make conscious efforts to spend time with them. The definition of quality time differs with each, for some it could be about making time for them daily, or it could be about planning a free time once in a while, where all the distractions are avoided, for others it could be spending time together, doing something that interests them both, or being creative. The key here is that they get to spend time together.

For instance – Having a date night, planning a weekend trip, creating a ritual (where you spend time together), going for a long walk, turning off digital spaces, hiking, and going for a coffee.

Gifts     

For people whose love language is receiving gifts, they appreciate thoughtful and meaningful gifts and surprises from their significant others. Those who express love through this love language put lots of effort and thoughts to give to their partners. Now, when we say receiving gifts, any gift is not going to cut it. The gifts through which they feel loved and appreciated may also be something that is deep, and meaningful to them – could be a necklace, or a card, or a cake, or preparing a dish they like etc. – anything with meaning that resonated with them. The point is that it doesn’t have to be a luxurious or big expensive spending, it could also be a small meaningful gesture, a token of their love to you. 

For instance – Personal gifts, picking flowers for them, getting their favourite meal, something they love, a card etc.

Acts of service    

For those with this as their love language, actions speak louder than words. Any act of kindness, of all natures, resonates deeply with them. For those with this love language, any kind of selfless and thoughtful act makes you feel loved. Those who express love through this love language, do small acts of love for their partner, such as doing chores, helping in the kitchen, preparing food, buying groceries etc. pay attention to small things, consider things that you could do – something that your partner struggles with, be spontaneous. No act here is irrelevant, any small act done with love is appreciated and noticed by someone whose love language is acts of service. 

For instance – Taking dinner (on no special occasion), preparing a bath, making breakfast, doing chores, taking care of the children, getting them their favourite chocolate, meal, baked goodies etc.